Outlawing Pageants Creates Outlaws!

In case you have been avoiding International news lately (completely understandable, considering our

current relations with Syria and Russia), you may not know the latest bizarre news from abroad.  In a misdirected move by the French Senate, lawmakers recently passed a piece of legislation to OUTLAW All Beauty Pageants which include contestants under the age of 16.  From what I can tell by reading the news reports (I have yet to see the actual legislation), this sweeping measure would penalize Pageant Directors, parents, hotels, promoters and even media professionals for participating in or promoting the seemingly benign activity we know as "Baby Pageants".  We're not talking a slap on the wrist either - we're talking a substantial chunk of change (around $40,000) and up to a whopping 3 years in a French PRISON.  Seriously. 

Now, please allow me to backtrack just a little, in case you haven't followed my personal history, and are unaware of how and why this outrageous piece of legislation is important to me and my business.  I have been actively involved in "Baby Pageants" as a parent, judge, coach, photographer, promoter and most importantly, Director, since 1995.  As a Talent Manager, I personally represent and build the brands of many of the top contestants in pageantry - and as fate would have it, I have been planning an American Glitz Pageant Tour of Europe since Spring 2012.  The tour will include not only the promotion of the Pageant Super-Star, Dianely Noesi, and her upcoming pageant-based exorcize video, "Sweatin' Glitter", as well as her new Energy Drink, "P3", we also planned to host Pageant Competitions with my system, "Glamorous" in Germany, England and yes, FRANCE!  So needless to say, as the Senate sent this nutty legislation to the House for a vote, my heart skipped a few beats with the idea of being imprisoned for doing what I do best - hosting a fun competition for parents and children and allowing little girls the experience of  being a princess for a day.

French politicians, in all their infinite wisdom (cough, cough, choke, choke), tacked on the provision
which effectively bans child pageantry in a piece of legislation that was meant to promote equality and women's rights.  There are two points that need to be made here.  First, the introduction of this new law was apparently in response to the Vogue Magazine photo spread of 2012 which included pre-teen models dressed beyond their years, including bright rouge and flaming red lips.  So one must ask the question, "What exactly does that have to do with Baby Pageants?"  The answer to that is, "NOTHING!".  But there are no American-style pageants in France.  So, taking on the perception of pageantry, as created by Reality TV, is a whole lot easier than tackling the fashion and modeling industry, or even Vogue Magazine for that matter.  Banning American Style Glitz Pageants in a country where there have historically been NO American Style Glitz Pageants (we will be the first to visit the country), is a pathetic attempt of politicians to "prove" that they are doing something to "protect" women from the evils of their femininity.  Which leads me to the next point.


This legislation was introduced and passed by a group who consider themselves feminist activists.  However, unlike many in the American Glitz Pageant World, I too consider myself a feminist activist and speak with authority on this matter in particular.  By telling women that they are not allowed to enter their children in a competition which celebrates beauty and stage presence the French government is insulting parents and instituting an oppression one would expect to see in the Middle East, not a country who is engrossed in the fashion and beauty industries.   How can the government pretend to know what is best for the young female child's psyche and disregard the desire of the parent?   Additionally, it is disingenuous to a disgraceful degree to insinuate that a study regarding how Baby Pageants effect children exists.  A scientific study of the effects of beauty-based competitions  has not even been conducted in the United States, where pageantry is an estimated $5 Billion-A-Year Industry, let alone in France, where they have only seen these contests on television.  Indeed, the politicians are not "Protecting" women or children from the perceived "evils" of pageantry.  Instead, they are "Protecting" us from being parents and feminine beings - and that is NOT Feminism!

So right about now, you may be asking if I still plan to take my American Style Glitz Pageant, Glamorous, and the little pageant star, Dianely Noesi, to France on our European tour.  The answer is unquestionably, OUI!  OUI!  First, this preposterous legislation must pass the Lower House and then be signed in to law by the French President, Francois Hollande.  When and if that does happen, the question of personal freedom still remains and should be tested, as is the case in any free society.  If France wants to fashion themselves as liberal thinkers and innovators, perhaps they should stop focusing so much on how to restrict the liberties of their people and more on how to improve the welfare of the citizens.  I know I will be doing my part to "Sprinkle American Glitz Around The World" in the mean time.  It might just be a little bit harder now, since the hotel we booked  retracted their offer to host our Paris event since this legislation was moved.  But if we have to host our fun, family friendly competition from a cell at the Bastille, we will do what needs to be done in order to fight this invasion on personal liberty (and commerce) abroad. 

Tinker Tea - The Latest Craze in Kiddie Pageant Crack!

It's baaaack!  In case you haven't noticed, my personal addiction, the little drug I like to call, "Crazy Crack" is back to grace us with yet another season of lunacy.  Toddlers and Tiaras premiered a few weeks ago with Tori and Alexa Hensley and a nasty looking slime they termed "Tinker Tea".  Tori (aka, Mom), mixes together a diabetic-coma-in-a-bottle concoction of Mountain Dew, Pixie Stix and Sweet Tea and encourages her 2 year old little dumpling to chug-a-lug on pageant days.  The sugar and caffeine rush garnered from that overload-of-nasty is what keeps dental students at the University of Iowa dreaming of their vacation home in the Hamptons (that's a hyperlink to the U of I Dental Clinic, just in case you, the reader, needs a low cost cleaning OR all her daughter's teeth pulled as a result of Tinker Tea(th) Rot).  

If you've read my previous blogs or attended any of my seminars, you know that I have consistently encouraged those seeking Reality Television careers to "Embrace Your Crazy".  "Crazy" is the juice on which unscripted shows thrive.  But as evidenced by the interview I provided Radar Online regarding Tori's recent announcement that she is in negotiations to Develop an Energy Drink Targeted to Children (based on Tinker Tea), I am forced to draw the line somewhere in the Nut Bag Sand.

Now parents, aspiring stars and slimy marketing friends, you know that I understand your desire to make a name for yourself and in the process, hopefully generate a few bucks, better than anyone in the biz.  But developing an energy drink for our already over-stimulated, over-weight and over-indulged American children?  BRRREEEEPPP!  I have to call "foul" and "monumentally bad idea" all in one fell swoop!  Though I wouldn't be one bit surprised if the makers of Red Bull already have plans for the development of the very same product under way, it is certainly more palatable to  place blame on a huge company for a marketing faux pax such as this than the latest Toddlers and Tiaras star.

Oh, but wait, MAYBE the joke is on us!  Maybe, just Maybe, Tori Hensley is pulling an "Outpost.com" prank on us?  Frick!  I hope so!  If this is indeed an effort to remember the pageant duo's names, I can tell you Ms. Hensley, it's working!     

Now before anyone gets on my case about how I stated in THIS INTERVIEW (see hyperlink) that I am no longer taking child clients because the moms are just too damned crazy, be assured, Tori and Alexa are NOT my clients.  Indeed, this outrageous stage mom is a free agent, as far as I know.  But from what I hear, she's creating quite "The Stir" - which is the first ingredient to scoring your own reality television show ... God Help Us.

Until next time,

Heather A. Ryan
www.UnleashingAMomster.com
www.RyanTalent.com 

*** My Hyperlinks Rock! ***

 Be sure to click on the hyperlinks provided in my blog posts - they ALWAYS add to the story! ***

The Momster is Going to Pummel Me!

If you haven't been following my Facebook, Twitter, E-Mails or Media Relations, you may be completely unaware that I recently released a book, "Unleashing a Momster" for your Kindle or in Paperback.  But for all of my friends and fans who are NOT big readers, I also released a song and music video entitled, "Momster", which is most assuredly the most hilarious parody ever filmed on a $25 budget.  (As always, each of the above hyper-links leads to the items to which they refer, so be sure to click through to each of them to experience the awesomeness!)

So all of the above information is a little dated because it all happened within the past two weeks.  But what you MAY NOT know is two fold and more recent!  The New York Daily News added the "Momster" about whom I write and sing to their Top Ten Worst Hollywood Moms.  She joined the ranks of gems like, "Tan Mom" and Courtney Love and BEAT OUT staples of the Bad Parent Support Group like "OctoMom"!  So while that made for a fantastic Mother's Day gift for me, personally, I have to imagine that The Momster's May 12th was a little less rosy.

But wait, there's more!  Whomever said that "Bad Things Happen in 3's" hasn't met The Momster - because the 4th  blow just hit yesterday!  I am pleased to announce that the Polk County Court System just assigned me a COURT DATE for which my case against one "Mickie Null-Wood" will be heard. This case is in response to the malicious prosecution and frivolous lawsuit she filed against me in 2012.  We will meet on May 24, 2013 at 2:00 PM at the Polk County Courthouse to hash out whether Mrs. Wood is liable to pay the attorney fees that I incurred in an effort to protect my name, reputation and assets when she attempted to sue me after we wrapped filming of Eden's World.  Note:  She dropped her case against me after several months and tens of thousands of dollars in attorney fee later - so now I'm just seeking part of the damages she caused in the wake of her paranoia and greed.

I accept the risk of sounding a wee bit glib in saying that it feels GOOOOOOD to be on the front end of this case and to finally be going to court on my terms!  Regardless of how this shakes out, I am pleased as punch to have a court date so I can finally face off with the most evil parasite in the history of the human race (well, less, maybe, Hitler). 

So stay tuned, stay interested, stay entertained.  I will keep you posted on the latest via this blog, my facebook pages, twitter and (hopefully) through the media.   There is a lot coming up over the next few weeks that I want to tell you about, so be sure to keep your eyes peeled!

Until Next Time,

Heather Ryan
www.RyanTalent.com 

Your Press Sucks!

Press relations is one of my favorite topics and one of the most strategically challenging portions of my job as a Talent Manager and Mentor.  Generating consistent media interest for you or your child is no easy task but is absolutely essential, regardless of whether you are pursuing a traditional entertainment industry career path or if you choose the less conventional, reality television based genre. 

Though it is easiest to garner media if you are consistently outrageous, your longevity as a performer can be dictated by a well balanced media strategy.  While it is great to have a few "scandalous" stories, you must strike a balance with heart warming, feel good stories as well.  Developing a media strategy is more than just "getting your name in the paper", it is about creating a public persona that is interesting enough to generate lasting interest in you as an entertainer.

Since I tend to be a Media Whore, a fantastic example of the strategy about which I speak are my very own press relations. My upcoming book, "Unleashing A Momster" was recently reviewed by both  Radar Online and Perez Hilton.  Both media outlets elaborated on the high drama aspects of the upcoming publication.  Even though the focus of these articles is heavily based on the sensational aspects of the book, it certainly helps create a stir for the upcoming release, which makes it more interesting to the public and consequently, more marketable.  This is something you need to be cognizant of when working on your own (or your child's) marketability.   

But a well rounded media strategy demonstrates that I am a bigger character than just a Tell-All Book Author.  So, my media relations also include special guest appearances on The Fallon Forum and even simply ensuring my Wiki Page is accurate.  It's details like these that will help me live on as a commentator, comedian, political junkie and entertainment industry professional for years to come.  I share this because these are SUPER SIMPLE things even the biggest media novice can do as they begin to create a well rounded strategy for her/his entertainment industry career.     

Now, if you are scratching your head, thinking, "Uh, DUH!  I know all this stuff!  I am ready to give  a deeper level of commitment to my media strategy!",  then I want to invite you to join us this month on our Success Club Conference Call - because it was tailored just for you!  As a special guest to Heather Ryan's Success Club Conference Call, New York based publicist to the stars, Andrew Sullivan will be joining us.  Andrew may be best known for the terse rhetoric he and I shared while filming for reality television in 2012.  Though we exchanged barbs during filming, I respect Andrew's professional opinion on media strategy so much that I invited him to advise the members of my Success Club (click the hyperlink to join in this highly motivated club of entertainers and stage parents).  I strongly recommend being on this call, as Andrew and I will elaborate the necessary tools you need to ensure great media relations and a well developed strategy.  This exclusive call will take place on Thursday, April  25, 2013 at 6:00 CST, but all Success Club Members will be able to access the call on an exclusive MP3 recording for a convenient 30 days following the call as well. 

I look forward to helping you ensure that your press doesn't suck!  Andrew and I want to create a winning strategy for your media relations, one that will make you relevant and marketable for years.  Be sure to join us on the Success Club Conference call on April 25th and let's start developing your plan!

Until next time,

Heather Ryan
The Ultimate Talent Mentor
www.RyanTalent.com  

A Reality Show for YOU?

I wouldn't say I am a passive fan of Reality Television, I would say that I am an ACTIVE NUT of the unscripted genre.  I've been enraptured by the unique form of television programming since Survivor broke new ground  with their reality-based game show.  Every show since that time, whether it be The Simple Life or American Idol, dictates an embarrassing large portion of my time. 

The charm of Unscripted Television is not just that we are allowed a peek into the lives of outrageous, but average, Americans, but also in theory, ANYONE can be cast in these shows.  In reality though, it takes a real skill and strategy to not only be cast, but to make the most of your appearance(s) on television.  

Over the years, I have become such a huge fan of this genre that I routinely help clients craft their auditions, have personally appeared in several pre-existing shows and have gone so far as to script new shows, cut sizzle reels and help sell shows for clients!  It's an obsession that I love and I've been so fortunate in this arena that it apparently loves me too.  So when I received yet another e-mail last week from a lovely young lady living in Southern USA, seeking help in creating her own show, I realized, I am indeed in a unique position that allows me to speak creatively, from a place of experience, when discussing Unscripted Television. 

Hence why my team created a unique opportunity to my listening audience to learn everything you need to know about being cast on a pre-existing reality television show or even scoring your very own show!  CLICK HERE to register for my teleseminar which will cover everything you ever wanted to know about this fun and unique genre!  When registering for this fantastic opportunity, be sure to type, "BLOG" into the promotional code section to receive an astounding $20 off your registration fee! 

It is always my great pleasure to assist clients in being cast in unscripted shows.  Not only is it fun for us to watch you on reality television shows, it is FUN to see yourself (or your children) on TV!  It really is!  With my guidance, you will be prepared to audition for upcoming shows, have a higher chance of being cast and potentially even develop your very own show!  So don't wait, CLICK HERE NOW to register for my teleseminar - conveniently brought to your very own phone!

Until Next Time,

Heather Ryan
The Ultimate Talent Mentor
www.RyanTalent.com   

Ewww ... Did You Take a Shower?

Would you believe my last blog post, "Are you Out'cha Damn Mind?", became my most read blog of all time?  For some reason, that beautiful piece of literature amused, entertained and insighted strong emotions.  So following up such a masterpiece of the written word has been my personal struggle for the past several days.  Finally, it dawned on me ... WHILE I WAS IN THE SHOWER.

Much to the delight of those around me, each morning, I take a shower.  Not only does this daily ritual wash the stink away, the shower tends to be the place where I get my absolute best ideas.  When my family was struggling to figure out a way to spend a day in Southern Minnesota, it dawned on me that The Spam Museum was just a short drive away, the moment my feet hit that slippery shower floor.  I wrote Underpuppy while in the shower.  And had it not been for the warm splash of hard Des Moines water pounding against my face, there's no telling if the ending of my controversial upcoming book, "Unleashing a Momster" would ever have popped into my overtaxed melon.

So that is where we begin today's blog entry - Where Is YOUR Shower?   Everyone has a proverbial shower, where all their best ideas materialize in their head.  While I tend to be the most focused as I lather up with a handful of BeautiControl Spa Products to put my mind somewhere relaxed and tropical, yours very well may be somewhere less obvious.  Perhaps your clarity comes when you are commuting to work or as you cook a nutritious dinner of Digourno Pizza and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese?  Maybe your brilliance peeks the second before you doze off into a beautiful and scenic slumber-land?  Whether you are at your most creative and clear while you relax in the tub or after your screaming children finally pass out, recognizing the details of when you are most likely to experience the light of brilliance is a key to grabbing hold of your best ideas.

It is important to know when you are most creative if you plan to be successful in the entertainment industry, but this is also helpful in all aspects of life.  Now that I recognize that my brightest ideas come while I am in the shower, I generally have a pen and paper stashed somewhere in the bathroom, just to ensure that I can quickly jot down my brilliance as the ideas occur.  

Regardless of where your "shower" is, keeping a writing utensil in the direct vicinity is highly recommended and is the BRILLIANT advice I offer in today's blog.  Your moment of clarity might be as simple as joining Heather Ryan's Success Club or as complicated to Ending World Hunger.  Either way, WRITE DOWN the fruits of your lucidity and ACT UPON THEM!  It is one thing to have a million dollar idea, but it takes a real barnstormer to actually take action and MAKE that million dollars!   

Remember, had I not acted upon the ingenuity of my morning showers, Eden's World would never have become a reality - and that would have been TRULY Tragic!  (Yes, You should DEFINITELY follow that hyperlink - it's my little surprise gift to you!)    

Until next time, I'm stinky and out of ideas - it's time for a shower ...

Heather Ryan
The Ultimate Talent Mentor
www.RyanTalent.com

 

Are you Out'Cha Damn Mind?

I have this fun and fabulous client in West Kentucky named Monica (shameless plug; go like her daughter's (Alexis') Facebook Fan Page and hire her for your next print modeling job).  Like many of my most dedicated clients, I consider them more than just business associates, Monica and her family are friends.  So whenever Monica and I find ourselves digressing onto topics outside her daughter's career in the Entertainment Industry, she says with a chuckle and a heavy West Kentucky drawl, "Giiirrrlll, are you outcha damn mind?".  As Monica and Alexis made their way back from their Texas Cheer Competition travels, the very question that she often poses came to mind.  Allow me to explain:

As I was making my way through the Sunday morning regimen of political junkie shows (This Week with George Stephanopolis, Face the Nation, Meet the Press and The Chris Mathews Show), I was also multi-tasking.  While traversing through the nations ills during my weekly obsession of All Things Politics, I ran across an old Facebook Fan Page for Ryan Talent and Model Group that I opened in May 2012 and promptly forgot.  I immediately sent the forgotten link to my assistant, Patty, and asked her to start recommending the site to all of the "Friends" on our various Facebook Pages.  If you're not aware,  you are only allowed 5,000 "Friends" on a "Personal" FB page and I have maxed out two pages worth of "Friends".  As Patty made her way through the ten thousand friends (seriously, I'm not kidding, ten thousand), apparently she sent recommendations to a few people who are not truly my "friends".  You may be asking yourself, "why would someone be listed as a "friend" if they garner disdain for all things Heather Ryan?"  I cannot answer that question, but I can tell you my reaction to the bizarre venomous barbs thrown my way after the invites were sent.

It was astounding to me the amount of animosity spewed by a small town Pageant Hair and Make Up Artist, Emily Fitzwater, who I have met just one time during my 20+ year history in the pageant world.  Though she has been scheduled to provide her h/m services at every pageant I hosted in the Kansas City area for the past three years, Emily constantly struggles to get clients.  Consequently, she has backed out of every pageant because she didn't have enough contestants to line her pockets with their h/m dollars.  I tell you this because it is important to note that I DON'T KNOW HER.  We met in passing at one pageant, one time, where she didn't make an impression on me one way or another.  She was Milk Toast.  Not controversial, not interesting, not even sickingly sweet or over the top helpful.  She was - well - nothing.  Nada. Nill.  Zip.  Zilch.  Zero.  I didn't harbor ill will toward this woman because I would barely recognize her in a crowded train depot.     

So, as Emily Fitzwater lamented about how horrible a person I am on her wall (yeah, dumbass, I can see your wall if you are listed as a "friend" on my accounts), I got to wondering, "AM I OUT OF MY DAMN MIND?" as Emily and a few other ladies were so brazen to proclaim and as Monica has laughed at me for years?

So I came to realize, INDEED, I very well may be a little bit "touched".  If you have ever noticed, it's always the loonie birds who don't realize they are crazy.  Everyone around them knows it, but they are completely oblivious to the fact that they are nuttier than a jar of Planters Dry Roasted.  As my friend, Eric Streit, informed me not so long ago (go like the show he works on, Gator Boys), I not only work in Reality Television but I am engulfed in the Pageant World as well.  These two genres, he explained, absolutely envelop the definition of "Crazy".  You have to be just a little Coo Coo for CoCo Puffs to be successful at either, and I seem to have been graced with success in BOTH.  So perhaps I AM crazy!  Freak!  The reality of being a little deranged can be a hard pill to swallow!  Add to the realization that it is someone as boring and lame as a second rate hair and make-up artist who is the one who points it out and WHAMMO - that pill turns into a turd flavored lozenge!

So my words of wisdom in this blog are three fold.  First, if you are a little crazy, you are in the RIGHT business if you seek success in the Reality Television or Pageant genres.  So please, feel free to hop in with me, the water is a FANTASTIC 98 degrees!

My second piece of invaluable advice today is NEVER talk smack about your disdain for the loony birds in our industry on an open forum like Facebook if you don't want us to (a) call you out and (b) blacklist anyone in your bitter circle!  Although you think you're being cool by spewing your hate and proclaiming that you host some kind of sinister inside information, what you're REALLY doing is BURNING A BRIDGE.  As an Iowan who watched a few of our Bridges of Madison County be burnt to the ground, I can assure you, BRIDGE BURNING = BAD.  Seriously, when you are in our business, you should ALWAYS try to think Long Term.  Try to separate yourself from the emotions of the moment and allow cooler heads to prevail.  Now that Ms. Fitzwater has allowed her angst to be vocalized in such a public way, not only am I calling her out on it in this blog, Lord Only Knows what other creative retribution my crazy mind might conjure in the future.  Remember, I wrote the song, "Underpuppy" in retaliation to Sharon Osborne, just because she shot an ugly look at my client.  Don't mess with the CRAZY - we're mean - AND connected!

Finally, the third piece of today's advice is heavily related to the second.  Not only should you NEVER burn a bridge if it's avoidable, but when you burn bridges like mine, we tend to write about the experiences in songs, blogs and more importantly, BOOKS.  So, in an unfettered attempt at self promotion, I announce to you, my blog reading audience, that my brand spanking new book, "Unleashing a Momster" is scheduled to be released the first week of March, 2013.  If you think this blog burns down the house, my new book BURNS DOWN THE TRAILER PARK.  So my advice is to come to any of the book signings scheduled around the nation during my "Great American Talent and Model Search" mentoring tour.  Not only will you score what will surely be the most riveting behind-the-scenes account of creating a "child star", but you will have the opportunity to learn from the person who LITERALLY "wrote the book"!  You can register to attend any of the scheduled appearances here:  http://www.ryantalent.com/Events.html.

     
I look forward to working with you in the future and keeping you entertained in my unique nutty, nutty way in the present!  

Until Next Time,

Heather Ryan
The Ultimate Talent Mentor
www.RyanTalent.com
  

  

Miss America Thanks Honey Boo Boo

While watching the Miss America Pageant last night, I was hit with an epiphany.  The self described, "Worlds Largest Scholarship Fund for Women," needs to write a 6x10 foot THANK YOU note to Toddlers and Tiaras and Honey Boo Boo!  For that matter, they should also send one of those huge bouquets of long stemmed, red roses that they give to the newly crowned Miss America (it went to Miss New York, by the way).

I hope you took note that the Miss America Pageant is BACK on network television as you watched it on ABC at 8:00 CST January 12, 2013.  Important to notice is that ABC is owned by Disney - who also owns the Discovery Networks - which includes TLC.  Just a few years ago, the pageant, which has been seated in American culture since 1920, was relegated to D List Status on Vicom's Country Music Television.  Even the niche network, CMT, threw up their hands in 2010 and opted NOT to continue airing the annual event.

Only when TLC, the network famous for such gems as Toddlers and Tiaras and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo chose to run the Pageant, along with a "Behind the Crown" special, did anyone bother to break out the defibrillator.  Regardless how you feel about shows which depict children and pre-teens chasing the crown, the fact remains that those brilliant pieces of Pop Culture Art have revived the world's fledgling interest in pageantry as a whole.

So when Miss Oklahoma, Alicia Clifton, was asked her opinion on Toddlers and Tiaras and Honey Boo Boo for her final question, rather than giving an honest, but milk-toast, answer about how much June Shannon loves her daughter, Honey Boo Boo, she should have blown enormous, sloppy, air kisses toward the state of Georgia.  Had Authentic Entertainment never produced these shows and had TLC never picked up and ran with these scuttlebutt-worthy train wrecks, surely the Miss America Pageant would be relegated merely to a web broadcast by now.

Thanks to the vision of the brilliant players attached with Toddlers and Boo Boo, I was blessed to watch our very own Miss Iowa, Mariah Cary, tout the importance of Marijuana for recreational and medical purposes.  Is it any wonder that my Home-State-Girl suffers from Tourrette Syndrome?  After she flubbed the answer to her final question, I know I spewed out a few choice four-letter-words myself!

Until Next Time,

Heather Ryan
The Ultimate Talent Mentor
www.RyanTalent.com