Are you Out'Cha Damn Mind?

I have this fun and fabulous client in West Kentucky named Monica (shameless plug; go like her daughter's (Alexis') Facebook Fan Page and hire her for your next print modeling job).  Like many of my most dedicated clients, I consider them more than just business associates, Monica and her family are friends.  So whenever Monica and I find ourselves digressing onto topics outside her daughter's career in the Entertainment Industry, she says with a chuckle and a heavy West Kentucky drawl, "Giiirrrlll, are you outcha damn mind?".  As Monica and Alexis made their way back from their Texas Cheer Competition travels, the very question that she often poses came to mind.  Allow me to explain:

As I was making my way through the Sunday morning regimen of political junkie shows (This Week with George Stephanopolis, Face the Nation, Meet the Press and The Chris Mathews Show), I was also multi-tasking.  While traversing through the nations ills during my weekly obsession of All Things Politics, I ran across an old Facebook Fan Page for Ryan Talent and Model Group that I opened in May 2012 and promptly forgot.  I immediately sent the forgotten link to my assistant, Patty, and asked her to start recommending the site to all of the "Friends" on our various Facebook Pages.  If you're not aware,  you are only allowed 5,000 "Friends" on a "Personal" FB page and I have maxed out two pages worth of "Friends".  As Patty made her way through the ten thousand friends (seriously, I'm not kidding, ten thousand), apparently she sent recommendations to a few people who are not truly my "friends".  You may be asking yourself, "why would someone be listed as a "friend" if they garner disdain for all things Heather Ryan?"  I cannot answer that question, but I can tell you my reaction to the bizarre venomous barbs thrown my way after the invites were sent.

It was astounding to me the amount of animosity spewed by a small town Pageant Hair and Make Up Artist, Emily Fitzwater, who I have met just one time during my 20+ year history in the pageant world.  Though she has been scheduled to provide her h/m services at every pageant I hosted in the Kansas City area for the past three years, Emily constantly struggles to get clients.  Consequently, she has backed out of every pageant because she didn't have enough contestants to line her pockets with their h/m dollars.  I tell you this because it is important to note that I DON'T KNOW HER.  We met in passing at one pageant, one time, where she didn't make an impression on me one way or another.  She was Milk Toast.  Not controversial, not interesting, not even sickingly sweet or over the top helpful.  She was - well - nothing.  Nada. Nill.  Zip.  Zilch.  Zero.  I didn't harbor ill will toward this woman because I would barely recognize her in a crowded train depot.     

So, as Emily Fitzwater lamented about how horrible a person I am on her wall (yeah, dumbass, I can see your wall if you are listed as a "friend" on my accounts), I got to wondering, "AM I OUT OF MY DAMN MIND?" as Emily and a few other ladies were so brazen to proclaim and as Monica has laughed at me for years?

So I came to realize, INDEED, I very well may be a little bit "touched".  If you have ever noticed, it's always the loonie birds who don't realize they are crazy.  Everyone around them knows it, but they are completely oblivious to the fact that they are nuttier than a jar of Planters Dry Roasted.  As my friend, Eric Streit, informed me not so long ago (go like the show he works on, Gator Boys), I not only work in Reality Television but I am engulfed in the Pageant World as well.  These two genres, he explained, absolutely envelop the definition of "Crazy".  You have to be just a little Coo Coo for CoCo Puffs to be successful at either, and I seem to have been graced with success in BOTH.  So perhaps I AM crazy!  Freak!  The reality of being a little deranged can be a hard pill to swallow!  Add to the realization that it is someone as boring and lame as a second rate hair and make-up artist who is the one who points it out and WHAMMO - that pill turns into a turd flavored lozenge!

So my words of wisdom in this blog are three fold.  First, if you are a little crazy, you are in the RIGHT business if you seek success in the Reality Television or Pageant genres.  So please, feel free to hop in with me, the water is a FANTASTIC 98 degrees!

My second piece of invaluable advice today is NEVER talk smack about your disdain for the loony birds in our industry on an open forum like Facebook if you don't want us to (a) call you out and (b) blacklist anyone in your bitter circle!  Although you think you're being cool by spewing your hate and proclaiming that you host some kind of sinister inside information, what you're REALLY doing is BURNING A BRIDGE.  As an Iowan who watched a few of our Bridges of Madison County be burnt to the ground, I can assure you, BRIDGE BURNING = BAD.  Seriously, when you are in our business, you should ALWAYS try to think Long Term.  Try to separate yourself from the emotions of the moment and allow cooler heads to prevail.  Now that Ms. Fitzwater has allowed her angst to be vocalized in such a public way, not only am I calling her out on it in this blog, Lord Only Knows what other creative retribution my crazy mind might conjure in the future.  Remember, I wrote the song, "Underpuppy" in retaliation to Sharon Osborne, just because she shot an ugly look at my client.  Don't mess with the CRAZY - we're mean - AND connected!

Finally, the third piece of today's advice is heavily related to the second.  Not only should you NEVER burn a bridge if it's avoidable, but when you burn bridges like mine, we tend to write about the experiences in songs, blogs and more importantly, BOOKS.  So, in an unfettered attempt at self promotion, I announce to you, my blog reading audience, that my brand spanking new book, "Unleashing a Momster" is scheduled to be released the first week of March, 2013.  If you think this blog burns down the house, my new book BURNS DOWN THE TRAILER PARK.  So my advice is to come to any of the book signings scheduled around the nation during my "Great American Talent and Model Search" mentoring tour.  Not only will you score what will surely be the most riveting behind-the-scenes account of creating a "child star", but you will have the opportunity to learn from the person who LITERALLY "wrote the book"!  You can register to attend any of the scheduled appearances here:  http://www.ryantalent.com/Events.html.

     
I look forward to working with you in the future and keeping you entertained in my unique nutty, nutty way in the present!  

Until Next Time,

Heather Ryan
The Ultimate Talent Mentor
www.RyanTalent.com